Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Worst Case of False Advertising: The Grey

For those of you who haven't seen The Grey yet and want to watch it for any reason other than seeing Liam Neeson kick some wolf ass—I dunno, you like to watch people wander in the snow?—then stop reading now.

But if, like most red-blooded Americans, you were chomping at the bit to see ol' Liam go toe to toe against nasty lupine foes with nothing but broken mini-bar bottles strapped to his knuckles—I repeat: Broken mini-bar bottles. Strapped. To. His. FISTS!!!—then, read on. I'm going to save you $2.99.

Still here? Then I hate to break it to you. This doesn't happen.

I know what you're asking right now. "What? That's on the movie poster? It's the best part of the trailer! there a God?"

Why we do not see Liam Neeson bottle-stab a wolf in The Grey is one of the greatest mysteries of 2012. (Stick that on the back of the DVD box, Universal.)

Sure, there are a few CGI-wolf tussles. But mostly, this is a movie about working-class men battling nature and getting to know their true selves along the way. Snore, right?

The worst part: Just when you think the epic Liam vs. the Wolves showdown is going to happen, when he actually arms his hands with those little bottles and curls up his ham-sized fists into weapons of wolf destruction, the movie ends and the credits roll.

Was that it? Yes, that was it. Fuck. Let's go drain the mini-bar.

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