Ryan Reynolds vs. Jack Black: Did We Really Get the Best Green Lantern?

Following news that broke in 2004, fans of the superhero genre united against a grave force that threatened to destroy every ideal and principle they had fought so hard to achieve. Who were the fiends behind it? Their names were Jack Black and Robert Smigel. Together, with Black as the star and Smigel—known for his "Saturday Night Live" TV Funhouse sketches and, most notably, the creator and voice of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog—as the screenwriter, they dared attempt to create a comedic version of Green Lantern. After flirting with director Kevin Smith, Warner Bros. decided to transform the project into a comedy. Enter Black and Smigel. But, fearing backlash from the superhero fan community (and the failure of another WB property, Catwoman), Warner Bros. killed that version. The superhero fan community rejoiced.
This weekend, a serious version of the story about a man with a power ring—who, with it, can create any object that he can imagine—hits theaters with Ryan Reynolds instead of Black playing the title character. After seeing the finished Green Lantern film and reading Smigel's original draft, we compare Ryan Reynolds' reality to Jack Black's what could have been.

Ryan Reynolds plays Hal Jordan, who is selected to be Green Lantern because of his bravery as a test pilot.		Jack Black plays Jud Plato, who is selected to be Green Lantern because of his bravery as a coyote-brain-eating reality show contestant.
Advantage: Reynolds √
Ryan Reynolds uses his power ring to create a racecar that saves a falling helicopter.		Jack Black creates a racecar bed to save a falling Jack Black.
Advantage: Reynolds √
Ryan Reynolds' Green Lantern references Buzz Lightyear and He-Man.		Jack Black's Green Lantern references Spider-Man, the Green Hornet, the Thing, and Superman.
		Advantage: Black √
Ryan Reynolds uses his heroism to impress the woman of his desires, Carol.		Jack Black knocks a window washer off of his scaffold for the sole purpose of saving him to impress the woman of his desires, Corrine.
Advantage: Reynolds √
Ryan Reynolds uses the ring's power to grow as a human being.		Jack Black uses the ring's power to grow his penis.
Advantage: Reynolds √
The general public is not aware of Green Lantern before Ryan Reynolds shows up in his uniform.		The general public is aware of Green Lantern, often citing lines like "you're the eighth most important superhero" when Jack Black shows up in costume.
		Advantage: Black √
Ryan Reynolds uses his power ring to fight an evil that preys on his fears.		Jack Black uses his power ring to create a …Baby One More Time-era Britney Spears.
Advantage: Reynolds √
Ryan Reynolds uses the catchphrase, "Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!"		Jack Black uses the catchphrases, "Nein," "It's Clobberin' Time," and "Who wants a taste of the green?"
Advantage: Reynolds √
Ryan Reynolds conjures two green jet fighters to assist him in his battle with the film's villain.		Jack Black conjures a green Superman to assist him in his battle with the film's villain.
		Advantage: Black √
In Ryan Reynolds' Green Lantern, fellow Green Lantern Corp. member Sinestro is a dick.		In Jack Black's Green Lantern, fellow Green Lantern Corp. member Sinestro is a dick.

Advantage: Even

Ryan Reynolds's Green Lantern unknowingly invokes scenes that are comparable to Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.		Jack Black's Green Lantern knowingly rips off the ending to the first Superman.
		Advantage: Black √
Ryan Reynolds is trained by Kilowog, a fearsome alien who isn't afraid to fight dirty.		Jack Black is trained by Kilowog, a fearsome alien who becomes a drunk and isn't afraid to order a dirty martini.
		Advantage: Black √
Ryan Reynolds utters clunky lines like, "We having a saying on Earth, 'I'm only human.'"		Jack Black utters clunky lines like, "They took my ring, but they can't take away my greenyness."

Advantage: Even

In combat, Ryan Reynolds creates a machine gun and a sword to defend himself against an opponent.		In combat, Jack Black creates a machine gun and a giant stapler for use on an opponent's scrotum.
		Advantage: Black √
Hector Hammond distracts Ryan Reynolds with the threat of Carol in jeopardy.		Sinestro distracts Jack Black with the thought of Elmo having sexual relations with Barbara Walters.
		Advantage: Black √
Ryan Reynolds' Green Lantern movie exists.		Jack Black's Green Lantern movie does not exist.
		Advantage: Black √

Winner: Jack Black