Friday, 17 February 2017


White guilt is a sudden-onset disease that can affect the brain’s empathy centers (leading patients to process nothing from other people’s perspectives), the frontal lobe (patients may purchase a thousand-dollar safety pin), and sight (patients are often unable to see color).

Effects vary based on several factors, such as the number of “Atlanta” episodes watched and the number of “Gilmore Girls” mugs owned.

Some patients display mild symptoms (righteous-anger-induced indigestion on Thanksgiving; overpronouncing Mindy Kaling’s name; insistent misuse of the word “intersectional”). Treatment for these symptoms can be purchased over the counter.

More severe cases can involve cognitive-dissonance-induced seizures when faced with, for example, a really good “Inside Amy Schumer” sketch. Treatment in such instances is still highly experimental, except for Catholic patients, who may be comforted by self-flagellation.

Symptoms and Signs

White guilt is a degenerative neurological disease that attacks the cerebral cortex. It can start during early childhood, when an individual’s racist aunt comes over and asks what the individual’s Asian friend is doing in the house, whereupon the individual’s already afflicted mother decides to include the friend in the family’s country-club membership package.

Early symptoms often present during discussion circles at a patient’s first elementary-school Diversity Day, and grow in intensity with the introduction to activities such as yoga, listening to rap music, and pointing out that “we all come from Africa.”

The ensuing damage makes it difficult to perform simple brain functions such as “listening” and “not talking.”

Later in life, advanced symptoms may include:

Hypersensitive awareness of both number and type of friends of color
Affirmative-action dating
Having a lot of opinions about “La La Land”
Asking, “When did America get so racist?”
Thanking police officers at protests
Dissociation when finding out that Alexander Hamilton had slaves
Dissociation when finding out that Thomas Jefferson had slaves
Dissociation when finding out about history from 1492-???
Live-texting brown friends while watching “Master of None”
Currently, a new strain of white guilt is spreading among “Lion” ticket holders. Its symptoms are easy to detect, as sufferers tend to declare, “I want to adopt that boy with Dev Patel” during the Golden Globes or similar events.

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