T. J. Miller says he owes his career—and his marriage!—to the hair on his head (and his face). So to celebrate this month's Grooming Awards, the shaggy star of Silicon Valley and the upcoming film Office Christmas Party gave us the secret to maintaining all, and we mean all, body parts
Step One: Grow Out Your Hair So You Don't Look Like Yourself
I grew my hair out for a part and never cut it because I kept getting hired and told: Don't cut your hair. I've stated that it's possible the only reason I'm in show business is that I have such a strange, particular head of hair. That and I can grow a red beard. That's perfect for a marijuana-smoking clown, which is the archetype that I bring to Hollywood. I encourage everybody: Try having long hair. See what the deal is. What if you look so much better? I dated my wife in college when I had shorter hair. I think the reason she's still with me now is because I have longer hair. And a beard. She told me that. She said, “I'm here for the hair, so keep it long.”
Step Two: Do Not Put It in a Man Bun
Don't be the guy that thinks it's some independent statement when, in reality, he just walks around and everyone is like: “Man, things are bad for me right now, but thank God I'm not that guy.”
Step Three: Get Weird with Your Beard
I'm a comedian, but I'm not a very good actor. So I'll change my facial hair and people think I'm acting when, really, I'm not.
Step Four: Your Body Needs Detailing
When you get into a car and there's trash, or it's dirty, or one of the hubcaps is off, you're like, “Come on, dude.” Every woman likes the confidence and self-respect that says, “I get oil changes. I look after my vehicle.” That's what I recommend: Act like you don't care, but take care of your body.
Step Five: Go Topiary on Your Manhood
Always manicure your genital area. You can't let that go. You can't get to your 40s and be like, “Whatever. I'm married, I'm just not gonna—” No! Don't do that.
Step Six: Be Sure to Disinfect
Once, on tour, I “cut the lawn,” so to speak. And I didn't have any Tend Skin, which I use anywhere you can get razor burn. And I thought, “Well, what am I going to do? I have to disinfect the area.” I went down to the hotel bar, ordered a vodka neat, brought it upstairs, and I put my freshly shaven business in potato vodka. And I gotta be honest with you: I got a little drunk.
Step Seven: Tend to the Sexiest Part of the Human Body. Elbows.
I don't care about knees. You might have the weirdest knees on earth. Just accept it. It doesn't matter. But elbows? Keep your elbows in immaculate, pristine condition. Use lotion on your elbows every day.
Keep your elbows soft. Keep your elbows looking fine. When a woman touches your elbows, she should begin having a violent orgasm immediately.
Step Eight: It Helps If You Don't Stand Next to Ryan Reynolds
My Deadpool co-star was in People magazine as Sexiest Man Alive. And then he's in there as Sexiest Dad Alive. He's in a class of his own. On the other hand, I look like a toddler that's taken a growth serum. My face is oblong. But the best grooming is confidence. You should spend time every day being like, “Dude, I'm gonna walk around like a badass today.” It doesn't have to be real confidence. Look at Erlich on Silicon Valley. Look at me. Just tell yourself you're going to get it done today, and then get it done.
Step One: Grow Out Your Hair So You Don't Look Like Yourself
I grew my hair out for a part and never cut it because I kept getting hired and told: Don't cut your hair. I've stated that it's possible the only reason I'm in show business is that I have such a strange, particular head of hair. That and I can grow a red beard. That's perfect for a marijuana-smoking clown, which is the archetype that I bring to Hollywood. I encourage everybody: Try having long hair. See what the deal is. What if you look so much better? I dated my wife in college when I had shorter hair. I think the reason she's still with me now is because I have longer hair. And a beard. She told me that. She said, “I'm here for the hair, so keep it long.”
Step Two: Do Not Put It in a Man Bun
Don't be the guy that thinks it's some independent statement when, in reality, he just walks around and everyone is like: “Man, things are bad for me right now, but thank God I'm not that guy.”
Step Three: Get Weird with Your Beard
I'm a comedian, but I'm not a very good actor. So I'll change my facial hair and people think I'm acting when, really, I'm not.
Step Four: Your Body Needs Detailing
When you get into a car and there's trash, or it's dirty, or one of the hubcaps is off, you're like, “Come on, dude.” Every woman likes the confidence and self-respect that says, “I get oil changes. I look after my vehicle.” That's what I recommend: Act like you don't care, but take care of your body.
Step Five: Go Topiary on Your Manhood
Always manicure your genital area. You can't let that go. You can't get to your 40s and be like, “Whatever. I'm married, I'm just not gonna—” No! Don't do that.
Step Six: Be Sure to Disinfect
Once, on tour, I “cut the lawn,” so to speak. And I didn't have any Tend Skin, which I use anywhere you can get razor burn. And I thought, “Well, what am I going to do? I have to disinfect the area.” I went down to the hotel bar, ordered a vodka neat, brought it upstairs, and I put my freshly shaven business in potato vodka. And I gotta be honest with you: I got a little drunk.
Step Seven: Tend to the Sexiest Part of the Human Body. Elbows.
I don't care about knees. You might have the weirdest knees on earth. Just accept it. It doesn't matter. But elbows? Keep your elbows in immaculate, pristine condition. Use lotion on your elbows every day.
Keep your elbows soft. Keep your elbows looking fine. When a woman touches your elbows, she should begin having a violent orgasm immediately.
Step Eight: It Helps If You Don't Stand Next to Ryan Reynolds
My Deadpool co-star was in People magazine as Sexiest Man Alive. And then he's in there as Sexiest Dad Alive. He's in a class of his own. On the other hand, I look like a toddler that's taken a growth serum. My face is oblong. But the best grooming is confidence. You should spend time every day being like, “Dude, I'm gonna walk around like a badass today.” It doesn't have to be real confidence. Look at Erlich on Silicon Valley. Look at me. Just tell yourself you're going to get it done today, and then get it done.
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